Ain't the Last

            Since this school year is about to end, I guess I already have the right to say that what most previous juniors have told me before is true: that the third year is the hardest year of all. It’s because this time, everything is more serious than ever before. You have to catch up with every single lesson and pass every single project or homework on time or else, you’ll regret so much in the end. This is the first time I felt like my nerves will explode all at once because of extreme nervousness whenever it’s PTC ‘cause honestly, this year drove me crazy that I’d became a bit grade conscious.

But who cares, anyway? This school year has taught me A LOT, like bunch of new things. I learned how to use a highlighter when reading lectures in AP, how to read novels ‘cause I told myself before it’s a waste of time, how to explore the calculator and its various functions that were trying to play hide and seek with me, how I not see the elements in the periodic table as random letters anymore and many, many more things.

Although STRESSFUL is the perfect word for this school year, FUN-FILLED comes after the list. I mean, I had to be serious with my studies but let’s look at the brighter side because as always, the fun parts await. This school year, I was able to enjoy, at least (even though school works would always consume my time), especially when it’s English time. I enjoy it not only because it’s my favorite subject but because I feel so relaxed and comfortable within just an hour. I feel happy. I feel myself.

How the relationship between me, our teacher and my classmates developed during English times are the best part for me. We got to play games, express ourselves through a blog, speak all the time in English not just for the sake of being more fluent but also for not getting so much tallies (real talk, no offense meant), experience a knee shaking oration performance in front of your classmates who are as nervous as you, write letters and knowing it’s the chance to make a move for that special someone, learn how to cooperate with different group works, play the role of somebody from Romeo and Juliet, shout the phrase “THE BELLS” over and over again, borrow a book from other sections because you never got time asking them what they did during the English time, read about Satan and all the weird stuff going on in his world, meeting God in someone’s point of view and lots and lots of stuff.

But most of all, whenever it’s English time, I feel like everything we do isn’t for COMPLIANCE but instead, for LEARNING A LOT…WITH FUN. It’s not just about comprehensions, grammars and others. It’s about learning VALUES. I love our small talks where we get to know each other, find our hearts, find ourselves, cry together, laugh together. I knew that people appreciate me somehow. I knew that I got a teacher who’s ready to be right by my side, to understand and to give life hacks. I don’t know but those times felt like a comfort to me. I like it a bunch!

        Being a junior is worth the late nights and tears because the struggle is REAL. Although we don’t have that fancy promenade like what any other school do, I know in my heart that I’m happy. I was able to enjoy the school year somehow. Although there were I-almost-gave-up-times-because-I-can’t-hold-all-the-feels-anymore, I know that these are the moments I’ll treasure forever. I actually don’t want this post to end because we all know it’s the last one we’ll ever write as junior. I think I am one of those people who truly appreciate writing a blog. Thanks to ma’am I was able to express everything I’m trying to hide from others.

Ahhh. Third year. You may be the hardest one but you have taught me a lot. Thank you. And you know what, I’M GONNA MISS YOU.

            

To my Big Sissies xx

A. Soriano Highway, Ibayo Silangan

Naic, Cavite

February 7, 2014

Dear ate Gra, ate Em and Atic,

           

            I wrote this letter simply because I definitely owe you all an apology. I am aware you're growing tired of my stupid actions. I'm sorry if I act lazy at home, like how I would always surf the internet instead of being productive, doing school works and helping in cleaning around the house. I'm sorry if I'm being disrespectful. I'm sorry if I don't ask permission when I borrow your things. But most of all, I want to say sorry for being slightly "overly attached". I'm sorry if you get irritated of me being around especially when I try to hug or kiss you. Maybe I just coincidentally do it when you're not in a good mood at all. I hope you would understand the fact that as your youngest sister, it would bring simple joys to me if I could express my affection for my dearest sisters in my own special ways. Another is I'm very sorry if I talk non-sense and ask questions too much, especially to Atic. I'm sorry if I kind of disturb you with your own businesses at home. I don't know but I easily miss you when you spend your weekdays in Manila for school and know that your presence once in a while makes me want to ask how your week has been.

            For ate Em, I'm sorry if I annoy you about lots of things and please understand if our parents would sometimes defend me even if it's really my fault. Lastly, with ate Gra, I'm sorry if I couldn't defend you when I had the chance. I know you've been facing a lot of problems lately and I'm sorry I could not speak and fight for you at the very least.

            I do hope you could all forgive me with all the things I have done. I miss you all, especially ate Gra. Ate, always take care of yourself and be home soon, okay? I wish we could all spend more time together so that we could be a complete family once again. I love you all!

Love,

Yannah

(your cutest sister) :)

Am I? I am!

          When I hear the word special, the first thing that comes on my mind is the movie "Every Child is Special". It is one of the famous Bollywood movies that left an impact on me. The whole thing about this movie is full of meaning and purpose. It could make way into your heart easily. There is this one line from the movie that struck me: 

And I thought to myself, that's it! Those are what make every person in this world special.

            Aside from "Describe yourself" as the number one most difficult thing to do, telling you're special and explaining how comes second on the list. I mean, answering the question "Am I special?" is not as easy as answering the usual questions that are answerable by yes or no. However, I'm pretty sure you'll be only able to do that if and only if you know the real you and what makes you, you.

            I can proudly say I am special. First of all, it's because I am a creation of God. I am one of the proofs of His great works of hand and that He gave me the greatest blessing of all --- life. Secondly, it is because I have my friends and family who make me feel special despite of my flaws. They love me and they appreciate my presence. I think that is merely enough for me to feel special.

            But above all, I think what made me special is my heart and my desire to do good things to people. Sometimes, I'd rather think about them first than myself because not doing such would bother my conscience, which I can't tolerate. It's like a voice within me would make me reflect on the wrong thing I have done. Another is that I know how to return the good deed someone did to me. It's like having a sense of reciprocity, but between people. I'm not after the material things but with the good actions. Even if the people around me don't do nice things to me, I give revenge but in a good way. It's because I don't hold grudges on them. I could be mad at them for probably just a short period of time but I can't stand doing bad things just because they did the same thing to me. That would bother my conscience more. All I know is I have to do the right thing to them even if I know to myself other people can't do the same thing because what matters most to me is giving solicitude towards the people around me.

            Being special is not about being the best. It's about feeling unique, perfect and worth it. Being special comes from within. If you truly know yourself, you'll know what really makes you special. We may know what it is at first but we'll eventually find out. Because all of us are special and unique in different ways. It just takes a time and heart to know. 

                How about you? Are you special?

A Special Intention

Dear God,

            I am eternally grateful for all the blessings that you are continuously giving me. For the life, good health, my abilities and talents and of course, for my friends and family especially my parents. Lord God, I am blessed not just because they're still alive and we're always together but also because I am  lucky to have them as my parents. I appreciate them more than anything in this world. Without them, I am nothing.

            From the moment I was born, from the moment I learned how to walk, from the moment I first performed onstage, from the moment I graduated in elementary, they have been there all my life, no matter what. They've been my source of strength, my guide and hope. They are the best teachers I could ever have because I believe they are teaching me the best lessons in life --- values. Thank you for giving them the kindest hearts that are continuously understanding a daughter like me. They've got so much patience and I don't think no parents could do the same thing. I admit I've been the worst daughter they could ever have and I'm afraid their love for me is not the kind of love I deserve. I had my own world and my own decisions. I've been so stubborn, hard to control, disrespectful and disobedient yet they never left me. They continue to support me with whatever I had to do and I don't know how I could return the favor to them. They work so hard. The fact that they could wake up early in the morning to help me prepare for school is already a big blessing to me. What more if they could actually work several hours a day just to support my needs? It's sort of too much for me. They're too good for a daughter like me. They still made me feel loved despite of my sins. They accept my imperfections. They did not let me feel unloved despite of what I have done to them. This is how lucky I am, Lord God. Once again, with all my heart, I thank you for blessing me with such parents.

            Thank you for giving them the strength to face whatever problems had come on their way and please, continue to do so. Make them realize that pride won't put an end to a problem but understanding each other is. For my mother, Lord God, please help her find herself. Please help her find what the real problem is and figure out how to deal with it. I can see it in her. I can see that she's carrying something she can't seem to let out. May she find peace with You. For my father, please continue to bless him with good health for I know all he wants is to work nonstop just to support our whole family's needs.

            Lord God, I am asking You to give both of them long lives and keep them well in body and in spirit. They are growing old and I don't want to see them suffer. Keep them always in your care. But above all, I'm asking for You for them to live a happy and prosperous life. May they find happiness and contentment in their lives. Through Your grace, I may always be their support and comfort so that we may live the rest of our lives with nothing but just pure joy. My parents, who are the greatest in the world deserve everything I am praying for and it will all be possible with You. I owe You everything I am being thankful for. Once again, with all my heart, thank you, dear God. Amen.

            

Plot Twist: Sweetest Nightmare

            Troublesome --- that's how I usually describe myself. Small or big, troubles are troubles and it seems like I was born to make them. All these years it felt like trouble has been making my life change gradually as if there's no tomorrow. Trouble made itself home in my life. I've got nothing to do with it. It welcomed itself without me knowing. But the worst part is, it struck me like lightning --- it took just a little while yet it seems to burn me for the rest of my life.

            I never knew love destroys. I thought it heals. I never knew the sweetest force in this world could turn my life into an unexpected nightmare. Well, that probably explains it being "powerful", in my case.

            Back then, I was in first year when I met this third year guy. Yes, this is about me, falling in love too early. At first, I don't completely thought of it as a mistake. Love somewhat made me out of control. All I know is that I'm happy, appreciated, and LOVED because I had the slightest feeling of being NO ONE in the eyes of many. Everything was perfect but I was able to prove that no secret is hidden forever. The truth will always be revealed. I still remember how I felt weak for days. How the teachers got mad at me. How my parents felt ashamed of me. How they did not expect me to be like that. How my classmates acted as if it's not a big deal. How the people around me thought of me as a flirt. How my world fell into pieces. It's life changing. Before, performing in front of many was my life. I like people and their presence around me. That is what makes me appreciate myself. Before, my parents were absolutely proud of me upon achieving  something great. They were proud of my talent and the fact that I would always belong to the top 10 in our class.

            TADA. Everything has changed. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be happy with me, and that just makes me even more paranoid. It's a cycle, being unconfident and different. It's all a cycle and it's destroying me. I'm trying my very best to be finally happy and forget the nightmare I had but I'm still feeling so helpless. I'm now scared of people. I'm now scared of what they're going to say about me. THEIR OPINIONS BECAME MY WORLD. No matter how hard I try, the thought of them judging me from afar would always bother me. Not even dancing nor singing in front of them or in short proving them I'm not the person they think I am isn't just enough. The worst part is the thought of my parents not being able to move on with what happened is not helping me at all. It's hard proving myself to other people and it's much, much harder to prove myself to my parents. The fruit of my hard works doesn't seem to impress them.  So the voice inside me would always say, "You're such a flirt and a big disappointment! You're so weak! You never did anything right! Get a life!" I want to disappear and go to some place where no one knows my past. I can't open these things to the people I'm close to, for I know they're getting sick of my dramas. No one would seem to understand. Depression strikes, self esteem went down, and boom! I'm completely another person --- opposite of who I am before.

            But hey, guess what, this is life! I can't bring back time and make things right. It all comes down to a single principle in life --- LIVE WITHOUT REGRETS. Love is always just around the corner. Don't rush yourself because love will come to you in the right time. For now, what matters most is our relationship with our family and friends because with them, you know you are in good hands especially with your parents. You'll never get in trouble if you would always listen to them. Parents know best! You may have your own decisions over several matters but trust me, you'll end up realizing your parents were right. In relation to that, it's also a matter of influence. Be with people you know won't let you down and make troubles. You cannot change the people around you but you can change the people you choose to be with. That way, you can stay out of trouble. Lastly, be careful with your actions. Think before you speak, think before you act. You don't know what the consequences will be if you make a decision right away. But above all, we have to remember a single thing: everything you do is based on the choices you make. You and only you are responsible for changes that happen in your life.